Episode. Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage – Sara Gilbert
Transcript
Sara Gilbert - 00:00.416
Everything that I say after I am, it's linked to my identity and the brain will always stay in alignment with the identity that we give ourselves. So we take a very simple example, somebody who says, I'm a smoker and somebody who says I smoke, which one's going to have the hardest time to stop smoking? Is the one that says I'm a smoker because that is my identity. So many of the things that we're looking at, where we feel that we're stuck, is what is the identity that I'm giving myself in that area?
Theme Music - 00:38.05
Welcome to the ownership game with Gary Montalvo. What would it take to get into the driver's seat of your life and leave your mark? The ownership game starts now.
Most of us think we're making decisions based on rational, thought-out logic. But decades of research in neuroscience, psychology, and behavioral economics show us that the process is actually primarily based on emotions. And mostly, what we're first trying to achieve is a feeling of safety. Trying to protect ourselves. Trying to protect a version of ourselves that we didn't have a lot to do in creating.
To get deeper into this, I invited Sarah Gilbert to the show. She's a coach, speaker, and entrepreneur whose work fits at the intersection of strategy, identity, and emotional intelligence. Her work with entrepreneurs doesn't just help them build their business, it also helps them see how this primary focus of safety gets in the way and often sabotages their growth. We also unpack the difference between a belief in a story why emotional patterns, not strategy, are usually what keep people stuck, and how to shift from fear-based action into leadership-driven alignment. If you've ever found yourself saying, I know what to do, I'm just not doing it, or if you've ever been avoiding action and calling it getting ready, if you want your results to reflect your real-life potential and not your fears, then this episode is for you. Let's get into it.
Gary Montalvo - 02:27.33
Hi, Sarah. So glad you're here. Thank you for taking the time to be with us today. So I'm excited to have you in show. It's always fun to have other leadership mindset coaches because we get to talk shop and compare notes and kind of geek out, right, on the things that we love to talk about. And so I, you know, before we even get there, let's give the people some background, you know, tell me a little bit about your journey and how did you end up being a coach?
So my first career plan was to be a kindergarten teacher. My second career plan was to be a psychologist. So now they're just taller. That's what I say, you know? But I've always had to desire to help. Always.
Hehehehehe
Gary Montalvo - 03:22.114
They just throw bigger tantrums now.
That's you know? That's all. It's just that. But yeah, I've always had this need. It's actually not even a desire, it's a need to help. And so when I first launched my business, I was really a business consultant. So it's all about the business strategy, what are we going to do, and all about the do we. Until one day, I'm in meeting with a client and we're talking about their visibility strategy and they're like super hyped up.
Mm-hmm
Sara Gilbert - 03:52.43
perfect, this is great, I love this, this is exactly what we're gonna do, everything that you want to hear. The thing is, it was the third time that we were having the same meeting. And I'm like, there's something I didn't get.
Mm-hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 04:08.396
So I went back and I did a double certification in neuro-linguistic programming. That's where I went into like dug deep down into human behavior, psychology, neuroscience, to really understand the human behind the strategy. Because our life will only go as far as our mindset goes.
Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 04:35.126
Yeah, I love this. I love this because, you know, we're, you know, we're both in the same field, I think we're both working with entrepreneurs, helping them grow their business and helping them bring strategy and a lot of them come and they want to dive into that right away. But it's like the moment you start digging around what you're seeing is, you know, I can teach you all the strategies in the world. But if you're not brought me there.
Gary Montalvo - 05:04.606
in the right space, if you're not in the right frame of mind, you know, I can teach you how to sell but if you don't believe that, you know, you're worthy of it, if you don't believe you can, if you don't believe that, you know, if you believe that money is the root of all evil, if you believe that asking for money is shameful, you know, whatever it is that you're coming to the table with, it's that's, you know, there's nothing to teach you until we deal with that.
Right? There's nothing to-
And it's understanding like the framework of be, do, have. It's like we all want to have, but who do I need to become?
Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 05:49.205
Yeah.
And that's always the first step. I always say like people enter my world for the strategy, but they stay in my world because of the mindset. Because at the end of the day, it's that.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 06:04.206
So to illustrate this a little differently for our listeners, so if you think of it as like a pyramid, right? So the foundation is like your beliefs, your thoughts, your interpretations of life. And that's what gives us access to our actions. Our actions are only generated by the beliefs, by what we see.
Possible or not possible. And those actions generate a result. But when when when entrepreneurs try to solve the problems in their businesses, they're only really focusing on the action. They're focusing on, what's the new strategy? What's the new? What's the new AI tool? That's my favorite now. What's the new AI tool that's going to absolutely solve all of my problems in my business?
But even before AI, was like, you know, what's the new marketing tool? What's the new, you know, service that I need to sign up with? What's the new, and there was, there's always ways that they're trying to solve the problem in the domain of changing the actions. But if you do not, but you have to, but what generated those actions to begin with, right? If you, if.
Yes, and I'll add on to that because of that pyramid, there is even a foundation of the pyramid. Because as humans, the only thing that we're doing is seeking an emotion. That's all that we're doing all the time. We're seeking an emotion. So let it be safety, let it be living, let it be freedom, let it be curiosity. We're always seeking an emotion.
So what happens with words, and that's really where I dug in and really got fascination, like borderline obsession with linguistics, is that understanding that words crystallize in emotion, but emotion is in the invisible world. So I'm not doing the strategy because the emotion that I'm seeking is safety.
Gary Montalvo - 08:07.128
Mm.
Sara Gilbert - 08:18.39
I'm not, I'm doing 17 things, because the emotion that I'm seeking is that thrive that that, adrenaline. So I'm not locking into one strategy. So I'm doing like 17 things, just bits and pieces. And I'm wondering why I'm not getting any results, because I'm not actually locked in in anything. But that's what I'm seeking. So those emotions that we're seeking,
Mm-hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 08:47.595
We make a story about them.
And then more we repeat those stories, they become our beliefs. And from there, we know that our beliefs are guided by our behaviors guided by beliefs and our results are the result of our behaviors. So at the root of everything is what's the emotion that's there?
And what am I seeking around that? So if I'm trying to do something and I'm not doing it because the emotion that I'm seeking but I'm unaware of it is safety. Like a good question is, you know, what's the story of telling myself? Well, I want to try doing YouTube videos, but you know, it's got to be perfect and I don't know what to say. So there's an emotion that I'm seeking in there is how can I do it with safety?
Mm-hmm. How do you... I guess this is kind of a chicken or the egg question. Like, are you... Is it that you're seeking the emotion and then the beliefs get generated around the fulfillment of that motion? Or do you believe that the seeking of the emotion comes out of whatever beliefs you're telling yourself? Does that make sense? Mm-hmm.
both. I don't think it works just one way. I do believe that it works two ways because if your second grade teacher told you, you're not that very smart.
Sara Gilbert - 10:21.42
Then that emotion of being good enough, that emotion to be loved comes from a story. Somebody just told you something and you just continued repeating it to yourself. And that became a story. And that triggered emotion that now you're seeking of proving yourself to be lovable, to make up all kinds of stories.
But that's what's driving everything.
Yeah.
Is that emotion that we're seeking and some of them are actually helping us but some of them are not helping us.
So like, how can I take that from the invisible world to the visible world? And when I can name it, then I can do something about it. But it's all hidden so well inside.
Gary Montalvo - 11:12.758
Yeah, that's a really, you know, the way that I talk about it is like, you need to put handles on it. You can't grab it until you put handles on it, right? And so this is why the practice of self-awareness and the practice of being curious about yourself and why you do certain things is so important as an entrepreneur. Because the thing about entrepreneurism that I don’t believe a lot of people who start a business are prepared for. For me, starting a business is has been the most intense self development workshop that I have ever done in my life. And I have done a lot. I have spent a lot of money in my life in training and development.
Our RID department is pretty filled.
But starting a business is, cause you know, most people start a business because they have a passion, they have an idea, they have a talent, right? And so they want to share that. But then you get in the game and you realize that that's like 10 % of it, you know, you gotta now learn how to sell that. You gotta learn how to talk about yourself. You know, you have to deal with money and whatever limiting beliefs you have around that. You have to learn with organization and have to learn with that, you know, so.
There's all the stuff that you constantly get confronted with as an entrepreneur. And it happens as you grow because $50,000 problems are different than $100,000 problems are different than $200,000 problems are different than $500,000 problems are different than $1 million problems, right? Because as the business gets scaled,
Gary Montalvo - 13:04.096
you're now dealing with team, you're now dealing with culture, you're now dealing with leadership, you're now dealing with like training other people and holding people accountable, which is a whole other level of the game. So you really have to be prepared for and willing to dive into these types of conversations for yourself in order to...
to succeed in order to get anywhere. And I don't think entrepreneurs are always prepared for that.
Oh, and I wasn't prepared for that when I went into business at all. I just thought I'm going to help people. For me, The fun part, there's 95 % of like, it's an iceberg, know, like there's a 95 % that you don't see. So there's a framework that I work with a lot and it's, you know, self-awareness, self honesty, self leadership.
But
Sara Gilbert - 14:04.032
Self-awareness is about understanding who you are, understanding how you're built, how you think, your beliefs, your patterns. You know, let it be your attachment style, your love language. I take a lot of those modalities and bring them into entrepreneurship because they help understand human behavior. Self-honesty is like, am I done playing with this pattern? Or am I still playing in this pattern?
Sure.
Sara Gilbert - 14:32.758
Am I ready to move on? Because it's easy to know. But self honesty is like, dang, I caught myself again. You know, like I, I sabotage myself because maybe I tend to have the avoidant attachment pattern. So as soon as I get close to my goals, then I just stop and quit or go on something else because I have that attachment. Self honesty is being able to look ourselves in the mirror and say, okay, am I done?
And from there, I can say self leadership. What do I want to do now? What do I want to do differently? So knowing is just a portion of the equation. It's the beginning. Then after that is like, what am I going to like? Am I ready to move on? Or am I still holding on to, you know, it's like the devil, know, the devil, don't. We know our patterns. They don't serve us.
Mm-hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 15:31.17
but they're familiar. So that's why I don't call it like a comfort zone. I call it a familiarity zone. It's something that we're familiar with because we've had the same pattern for 20, 30, 40, 50 years.
So I am I ready to let go of the comfort of that pattern? To go and explore something that I don't know.
Sara Gilbert - 15:58.03
That's self honesty.
Gary Montalvo - 16:02.734
And I think in order to have this conversation, you also have to be in a space of...
Gary Montalvo - 16:13.878
It's a space of possibility, but also a space of curiosity and understanding. I find that people often speak of themselves as if they are affixing, you know, like, you know, like, I'm shy, or, I mean, I've heard you, I've seen you speak about also being an introvert, which I could relate, but also not being an introvert when you're, when it's needed. And, people are always shocked because, you know, when I'm on stage, I'm very animated. I, you know, I'm, cracking them up. I am very energized and, but, people are always shocked to find out that, I actually identify as an introvert.
Right? But the thing is, that doesn't mean that I'm limited by my introversion. I'm sure what's the right way of saying that. Introvertedness. Yeah. My, you know, and people often speak of themselves as, I'm not good at that. that's not for me. Or I'm not. And they speak of themselves as if, as if who they are is a fixed.
That's my personality.
Gary Montalvo - 17:40.782
and finite thing. And so when that's how it occurs for you, well, yeah, of course you're not gonna get curious. You're not going to ask these questions that you're prompting. You're not going to engage in a conversation or process that actually introduces you to a new version of yourself. And I think that is a huge mistake, you know, because...
Well, again, it's a survival mechanism. It's a protection mechanism. On a brain perspective, everything that follows I am is a command. Everything that I say after I am, it's linked to my identity and the brain will always stay in alignment with the identity that we give ourselves.
See more.
Sara Gilbert - 18:39.202
So we take a very simple example, somebody who says, I'm a smoker and somebody who says I smoke, which one's going to have the hardest time stop smoking? Is the one that says I'm a smoker because that is my identity.
So many of the things that we're looking at, where we feel that we're stuck, is what is the identity that I'm giving myself in that relationship, in that area? I'm an introvert and I'm an extrovert and you know what, that's what there's called, there's a name for that, that's called an ambivert. Which is, and I believe that we're all ambivert, because we're never just one.
Sara Gilbert - 19:21.708
But to be safe, survival mode on a brain mechanism is that, you know, I have this one identity because that is secure. The brain doesn't like uncertainty. We think we like it, but the brain doesn't like it. So when we lock into this different identities, then the brain's like, OK, well, that's what I know. I'm sticking to that. So.
Mm-hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 19:48.654
What is the story that I'm telling myself regarding different identities? Is it true that I'm an introvert? Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. Is it true that I'm shy? Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. And if I am and I'm like, I'm done, self-honesty, then I can say, you know what, version 42 of me was shy, version 44 no longer shy.
Mm-hmm.
Like, I don't know how many iPhones versions they've had of the iOS systems. It's like hundreds. And I'm like, if they can update to fix bugs and bring you features, I can do it too.
Yeah.
So what's my upgrade?
Gary Montalvo - 20:35.414
You're starting to talk about something that I definitely want to get into. And so what you just modeled was really using language to create a context for which that context now creates a different way of experiencing life and experiencing, you know,
yourself and experiencing and the actions that you take. So let's dive into language and the role that it really plays in these conversations that we're talking about and how people and these identities that get created.
languages also make everything. Because, like I was saying before, it crystallizes emotions. It puts a word, a label, it takes something that's in the invisible world and brings it into the visible world. Like you put a name on an emotion, you put a name on a feeling. So the feeling is right, but the story is not.
Sara Gilbert - 21:56.29
Like I'm scared, the feeling is right, the feeling is there, but the story that I attach to it, that if I start doing YouTube videos, people are gonna judge me if I'm gonna, and if I'm judged, then you know I'll be rejected, but the story is not.
So shedding the light on the stories that we're attaching on different things. I believe that, I think that. So there's a question, it's funny because this morning I was journaling and I'm like, so what's the story that I have around that? And I'm like, I believe that this and I think that this. And I'm like, and you're reading it and you're like, this is ridiculous.
Sara Gilbert - 22:36.642
But the feeling is real, but the story is not. So what is the story that I'm telling on something? You know, the other day I'm talking with a client and I'm like, he wants to bring more visibility of his business, but he's like, but I don't know why, how? And I'm like, how is not the problem? Because we have content for our social media on a daily basis, it's all around us. But as long as I...to that story and I embrace that story and I hold on to that story, I have a reason to not take action.
Gary Montalvo - 23:13.966
And these stories don't just give you like a reason, like they create, they really create the filter for which you look at life, the filter for which you choose to experience life. They create all of it. So it's like, imagine putting, you know, like rose colored glasses, you know, on, and now you're seeing the whole world through these stories. they really, you know, whether you see a possibility, whether you see something as an opportunity or a problem gets created, gets filtered through these stories. Whether you, you have the courage to introduce yourself to someone who could potentially be a great resource for your business, whether you choose to ask that person on a date, whether you all these things get filtered through these stories. So they're really impactful. know, like, they really do curate your life. and, and, what, what Sarah's pointing to is that these stories are not fixed. They are actually, they're, first of all, they're created by language.
Yep.
It's just a bunch of words strung together to create meaning, right? To create a context. So once you really get that, then you have the power of like moving those words around and switching those words up.
Sara Gilbert - 24:57.41
Well, you get to. So the way that I break it down is what's the story I'm telling myself? Do I believe that? Do I want to believe that? What do I want to believe instead?
Sara Gilbert - 25:15.446
So my client is like, I want to bring more visibility, but I don't know how. I'm like, that's the story. Do you believe that? That you don't know how? he's like, I'm just gonna stop, right? Just by asking a question. Because when you ask the brain a question, when you ask a question, the brain can do nothing else but to give you an answer to that question. We just ask ourselves really lovely questions. So I don't know how is that like.
That's a story. Do you believe that? No, because I can post on social media. I could do this. I could do that. What do you want to start believing instead? That's where we deconstruct stories. But first, we need to bring awareness that they're there. Because it's always like, you know, this music that's in an elevator, you don't even hear it. Their stories are always yeah, that's a really good analogy.
We don't hear them, but they're there. They're there.
The other part that, you know, I want to kind of break down the language thing a little bit more because another way that I talk about it is your goals. You know, when you create a goal, when you create a vision, it doesn't exist anywhere but in language, right? There are, you know, and then once you create that vision,
Gary Montalvo - 26:51.118
Well, now you start living into it, right? Think of the moment you said, I'm going to start a business, right? I'm going, this is what I'm gonna do. Well, now that vision starts to create a context and that context starts to dictate the actions that you take. You may start to get your LLC, you may start to open your bank account, you may start to build your website and do these actions.
It be due to that, to that context, to that language that got created, right? So that's an example of when the story that you're telling yourself in that moment, which is I'm going to launch this business, is obvious. It's in front of you, you're aware of it. And, and, you know, it's something that you see is something that you can clearly work with and have handles on. Now along the way, you're going to the other stuff is going to come out.
You know, the stories that are not present and aware of us. And sometimes you're not, I mean, I'll give you a perfect example of how me launching my business started to bring some up for me. So I remember, you know, I had, once I got my coaching practice going and, you know, and I had hit, you know,
The first five years were me like struggling and trying to figure it out. And then I got to a point where I was like, okay, I got this. You know, I hit multiple six figures. I was doing my thing, but then I hit a plateau and you know, I wasn't really growing anymore. And so I was working with my coaches at the time and we were doing planning for the year for, know, and they kept, they asked me the question, well, how much money do you want to make next year? And I'm like, I don't know.
I just, you know, I don't know. I just want to make enough. Like, I just want to make enough. I want to be able to, you know, run my business. I want to be able to travel. I want to be able to like pay my bills and, and, and, know, want to just make enough. And when I said that, I realized, I had already achieved, made enough, you know, I had already gotten to a place where I had made enough. Like,
Gary Montalvo - 29:17.866
So, and then when I started digging into it, I'm like, you know, my relationship with money growing up was always very utilitarian. know, we grew up poor and Dominican Republic, we were immigrants and coming here to the United States, but money was always like a tool to make sure we were safe, that we had a roof over our heads that we had food on the table, that we had clothes on our backs, and that there was a little put away for an emergency under the mattress, right? And that was kind of the game around money that I saw growing up. So money wasn't, you know, we, the conversation wasn't like, what if we can, and you know, and, and, you know, and so I realized that that was playing a part in how I was growing my business because I wasn't really thinking bigger than that, you know? And so I had to start to come up with different games, right? It was like, what would it be like to pay for my parents' retirement home?
Play the word escape.
You know, what would it be like if I could pay for my baby brother went into ministry work, sweetheart, God bless his soul, but he's never going to make any money, right? So what would it be like if I could pay for his student loans, you know, that he's going to like have forever? What would it be like, Sarah doesn't know anything about that, she's in Canada. But here in the United States, we have to pay for that.
Sara Gilbert - 31:05.358
It's just just not the sixth scale…
So, know, like, what would it be like if I could pay for my brother's school loans? Like, what would it be like if I could, you know, fund a missionary trip and build a school and, you know, and things like that? And those things started to create a context for me that allowed me to play a bigger game around the growing of my business and the impact that I could make. And so that's like a really, I think that's a really great example of how these stories in the background are really blind to us and unaware. And until we go through a process or a conversation and we have someone who's trained to ask these questions, they don't even surface. You just bang your head on the wall, not knowing why. Yeah.
In the elevator.
But did you notice that what you did there is you asked yourself different questions?
Gary Montalvo - 32:06.614
Yeah.
Because when we ask ourselves different questions, we come up with different answers. So, you know, when we ask a question, we get an answer, but when we ask an excellent question, we get the truth.
Mm-hmm.
So what if I paid for, you know, my mom's house? What if I paid for my brother's education? What if, what if, what if, what if?
The thing, the questions that we tend to ask ourselves is like, yeah, but what if it doesn't work?
Gary Montalvo - 32:40.843
Mm-hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 32:44.672
Have this weird relationship with money, which is money is so loaded with emotions, right? There's so many things that are related to this money in terms of relationships. And it's like, but what if I start making money and then people start judging me? Those are the default questions we tend to go to, unaware or aware. Sometimes it's there and we're not even aware. It's just, another song that's in the elevator.
So we want to bring those into our awareness to see what's there and from there I can pivot it to something else.
But I need to be aware and I need to decide. Because it's not comfortable. Growing a business is not comfortable. Being different is not comfortable. It's magical.
And am I ready to deal with uncomfortable?
Gary Montalvo - 33:46.03
And something that I think is worth highlighting also in the situation that I modeled, question, know, this speaks to your point. The question that I asked myself wasn't, well, why am I not desiring more money? Or why am I not inviting and why am I and how come this happened and what childhood trauma happened and what like I didn't you know ask questions that reinforced some belief that something was wrong with me or some problem that I thought I had to fix. I went straight to a question that would create a new possibility. It doesn't matter the why, it doesn't matter the how, it doesn't matter.
You know, the, you know, I don't have to forgive my mother now for having didn't teach, not teaching me that, you know, money. I asked the question that skipped me to the future of what was possible. And, and I asked the question that got me excited about what was possible. Go ahead, Sarah.
So why questions open vortex?
My God. It's a rabbit hole. It literally is. And I really need some of you guys to pay attention to this because this is like very common and some of you are addicted to questions like this and they serve no purpose. They don't help you and they don't move anything forward.
Sara Gilbert - 35:28.866
there in my belief, there is no word that is not to be used. Words are to be used with a greater intentionality. So there's two vortex. There's a downward vortex and there's an upward vortex. Why questions when they're by default tend to be in the downward spiral? Why doesn't this work? Why do I want like, why would I want more money? Why would I want this, that, that, then, and it really doesn't serve us. But when
I'm in the upward vortex of saying, what if I paid for this student for the education for my younger brother? What if I did? What if for the education for my brother? Because he's got a good mirror. He has an important message to carry and that opens that exponential vortex. Why anchors?
So it's not to not use it, it's to use it in the right vortex. When I'm selling myself on an idea and I'm moving from a belief to a conviction, then I want to use a why story, a why question. Because that's really going to amplify why I want something and I need to sell myself.
On why do I want this? do I want that? And why do I want that? And why do I want that? And we get to a point where that vortex just soaps us off because it's a conviction. I know because when people lose their why, they lose their way. It's the right why and the right vortex to ask it. And they are the most powerful
questions that we ask, we just tend to ask them in the wrong vortex.
Gary Montalvo - 37:23.042
Yeah, I like that. I had not heard it framed in that way before. you know, it goes back to, you know, the reason I call this the show, the ownership game, is because I believe that ownership is the distinction that allows you to discern and take the action that you're coaching on right now.
You know, once you step into ownership, you're able to now take responsibility over language and make sure that you're always in a game of using language to support what you're up to in life, to support you in expanding yourself, to support you in building the business, to support you in building the family. And mostly we use language very irresponsibly.
We're very sloppy, you know, we use.
They're just letters stuck together.
Yeah, and the things that we say to ourselves about ourselves are awful. Like you would never speak to another human being the way that you speak about yourself, right? And, but once you, you know, if you step into ownership, you really do, it doesn't mean it solves everything, right? But ownership is what gives you access to now taking responsibility for these, the
Gary Montalvo - 38:53.87
For these abilities, right? And you might need to learn some skills, right? You might need to implement practices. You might need to develop the discipline. Those things will come, but it first starts with you being willing to get an ownership over your life and over your language and the things that come out of your mouth. if you are, I mean, this is true for any human being, but it's especially true if you're somebody who's up to anything.
You gotta be really rigorous with what comes out of your mouth.
And that's it. And then you're thinking and everything because we all know that mindset is everything.
So there's a question that I often ask myself other than what's the story I tell myself is, and that one I've really anchored it is what do I want to tell myself to myself on my deathbed? And for me it's like, I want to tell myself to myself. I've given everything I've got. Just nothing left, like, done. I do not want to tell myself, yay, I finished all, I answered all my emails within three hours. That's not what I'm going to tell myself, you know?
But having that anchor.
Sara Gilbert - 40:11.266
What do I want to tell myself on my deathbed? And every single day, I'm either going in that direction or in the opposite of that direction.
So that's what language does. It gives us anchors. Because we are repeating stories all the time in our head. It's time to decide what's the story that I want to tell myself. Instead of, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good, I'm shy, I'm shy, I'm shy. How about like freaking awesome? Let's do this.
Mm-hmm.
In terms of ownership, and I love that word, is the real estate that we own that is the most important one is the one that we have here.
Hmm.
Sara Gilbert - 41:01.152
Let's decide what we're going to put there. And that goes with my second favorite favorite word, which is intentionality. Let's get back in the driver's seat.
Gary Montalvo - 41:16.342
Yeah. Let's talk about,
Gary Montalvo - 41:23.598
How, so if you're an entrepreneur, let's talk about how you can develop some awareness around not just identifying the belief in the stories, but even kind of being aware that there's a story there. You know I mean? Like, just having even the, cause I think there's a, there is a, it's almost like you're in the matrix, so you're not even thinking that you're in the matrix type of scenario, right? So it's like, I think step one is just developing an awareness that you are in the matrix. And then, and then you can kind of even talk about what's the programming that's playing in the matrix, right? So what are your thoughts and suggestions for that, for entrepreneurs to really take that work on?
Sara Gilbert - 42:25.206
Slowing down is not glorified because busy being busy is glorified, but we need to start glorifying slowing down. Because when I slow down, revelations can catch up to me. I can reconnect with how I'm feeling, not just how I'm thinking. Like, what are we feeling right now? I'm angry.
Am I mad or am I sad?
Sara Gilbert - 42:58.71
And this can only catch up when I slow down. So I often say, you know, taking the time, take the time to take the time is not a waste of time.
Sara Gilbert - 43:14.67
So slowing down so I can actually start asking myself better questions.
When I say, I'd like to do something. Well, I'd like to on a linguistic perspective, it crystallizes self-doubt.
When somebody says I'd like to do something, it's because they're doubting their own capacity.
So when I slow down, can actually catch what just came out of my mouth or that I'm Now changes everything. Slow down, pay attention to how am I feeling and then learn the art of asking excellent questions.
So.
Gary Montalvo - 44:06.41
I love that you started there because I, you know, this wasn't something that I always paid attention to. It's really something that I started to pay attention to more specifically in the last three years or so, you know, because my upbringing was in leadership as a leadership coach. And so with that came this sort of like very male dominant, do whatever it takes, go for it, push hard, know, if you believe it, you know, and there was just like, almost an aggressive nature to it. Not that I was aggressive with others, but that there was a way that it was always like, push yourself, go, go, go, go, you know, like, and about three years ago, I started to really...
expand my thinking and explore and actually getting into spiritual practices and and and other modalities and and in that discovering the the the power of pausing and now like literally the first thing I do when I have when when clients hire me is I implement morning practices with them I implement mindfulness practices with them because you really need that space to discern, to think, to, you know, you really need the space. And not only that, something that you guys have to think about is the way that we're living today, that's just not how we were designed. We were not designed to have a screen in front of us for most of the day. We were not designed to, you know, be this stimulated, to be this surrounded by light and noise. You know, we were not designed.
To have notifications and dings at us every few seconds. So our nervous systems are shot, are fried. Like we are, we've never been this stimulated. We have never had this much information flying at us. this, what you're talking about of really pausing and developing that practice of reflection, I think it's really the most important thing
Gary Montalvo - 46:30.986
element right now for anyone looking to grow, think, because you can't you can't reflect if you're just moving. And think of entrepreneurs, we're always move with next fire, next fire, next sale, right next, next, we got to keep bringing in the money, we got to keep growing, we got to keep solving problems. Especially if you're a solopreneur, and you don't have a team and you're wearing 17 hats. It can feel like you cannot stop. It's really more important. And if it can feel like you can't stop because it'll fall apart, but…
It really, you need to, you really need to because all those, that innovation, problem solving, that growth, it's all gonna come from the quiet, you know?
That's when the magic happens. And again, like that's where when I slow down, this is where we actually speed up. Because we get the right answers. Not just an answer. So coming back to the feeling of feeling rushed and needing to be busy and the feeling is right. But the story is
Yeah.
Sara Gilbert - 47:43.79
Like what if instead of doing 17 things, I actually did two, but two game changers and I went all in.
Thank you.
So, and that's really where we also even realize our own linguistic, the own, this is the story that we're telling, the language that we're using, like we know this. It's just, we just want to give it the space to be able to go and tap into it. Because we know it.
Yeah.
So give ourselves the space. And then whenever things come into my mind or come out of my mouth, pause. What's the story? What's the belief? Do I want to believe that? When somebody talks to me and say, that's a story, then that's a belief. Do I want to believe that? Because we're taking what everyone around us is also saying as truth.
Sara Gilbert - 48:46.082
But the only thing that comes out of our mouths are beliefs. So sometimes I'll have clients tell me something on my interesting belief. I'll leave it with you.
They all laugh because they're like, thanks, Sarah. All right, thanks for putting that in my face. But we need to start doing that. Because what we're doing right now is we're taking on everyone's belief as truth. You got to follow this step. You got to be on YouTube. You got to be on LinkedIn. You got to be into stories. You got to do this. You got to.
That's your belief. Do I want to that person's belief? But it's in space that I can have the discernment.
Sara Gilbert - 49:30.03
Stay in alignment with that.
Yeah. Yeah, and there's, I want to add like a couple things from me to wrap that up. Two things that really help me understand that is...
Gary Montalvo - 49:53.814
I chose a belief for myself that I basically decided that I'm not always right.
You know, so I used to walk around as if like I was right. And there was a moment where I had to go, you know what? I'm not always right. This is just my point of view. And it's just my point of view right now.
And like, that last part is that's the game changer.
Yeah. And so the moment that I stepped into that, it created more curiosity and openness in my interactions and in the way that I was looking at the world. stepping into that belief and that mindset, I think is a game changer for being able to catch these stories quicker. The other thing that similar to that kind of the side of the other coin, I realized I'm judgmental.
You know, and we all are and that's the key, right? But I think it was a word that I like, I'm not judgmental. And I'm like, no, I'm judgmental. Like I'm always judging situations. I'm judging myself. I'm judging, you know, what's possible, what's not like. And so owning that allowed me to catch it and catch that judgment. It's just my point of view in that moment in time.
Gary Montalvo - 51:25.45
And so… is a natural thing, right? Sure. lion in in the jungle, the lion in the savanna looks around and judges everything like is there danger there? Is there danger there? That's what we do. The brain works the same way. So, I'm observing.
Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 51:45.752
But if you're not aware of that, then you don't hold it as a point of view and you hold it as in like whatever assessment you made is actually the truth and not just how you are interpreting the facts in that moment. And when you really get that and own it and let your ego be okay with that, it frees you up to catch these things quicker. And because at the end of the day, you're gonna have to be willing to ask, question whether what you believe is true or not. Question whether how you're seeing it is true or not. Question whether what you see is possible, it's true or not. And you can only do that if you first create a condition that establishes that your point of view is just a point of view. You know, a lot of times, you know, people often call me up and they're like, I want your opinion on this or I want, know, even clients will do that. And I'm like, well, before I even give you my opinion, tell me what you're up to, tell me what you're trying to solve, tell me what you're thinking about. Cause I can just come give you my opinion, but how is that's not necessarily helpful. But if I know what you're up to and what you're facing and what you're dealing, well, now my opinion will have context and I can give you the opinion that's going to work for you. Not just.
What I likey, what I don't likey, and what I think, you know. And it's freeing. It's freeing in relationships. It's freeing in life, you know, but it's an essential element of being able to troubleshoot yourself and troubleshoot your beliefs as they come up, you know.
We have so many beliefs, so many stories, so many... And when we start being curious about them, that's when everything changes.
Gary Montalvo - 53:44.172
Yeah, I love it. Well, thank you so much, Sarah, for joining us. This has been a fun conversation. I hope that we've inspired some people out there to dig a little deeper and do some work. How can people get in touch with you?
Everything is on my website. I'm everywhere on social, but sarahgilbert.coach is where they can find the links of everywhere they can find me.
In all the places and we'll put your information on the show notes as well. But thank you for being in the show. We really appreciate it and sharing your insights.
Thank you so much for having me. That was awesome. Thanks. Thanks.
Our behavior is shaped not by what we want, but by what we're trying to avoid. I'm going to say that again. Our behavior is shaped not by the things that we want and we desire, but by the things that we're trying to avoid. Trying to avoid discomfort, trying to avoid uncertainty, trying to avoid being seen in a way that doesn't match the version of ourselves that we've been protecting.
Gary Montalvo - 55:01.41
And the sneaky thing in all of this is that safety can look just like normal behavior. can look like overthinking. It can look like over-preparing. It can look like perfectionism, working hard. It looks like doing just enough to stay busy, but not enough to really put yourself out there. There's a concept in behavioral economics called loss aversion.
It's the idea that people are more motivated by not losing $100 than they are by gaining $100. It means that we'll often choose safety even when it costs us growth. We stick to what's familiar even when it doesn't serve us. But it's not hopeless you have tools available. It starts with you developing self-awareness.
It starts with you paying attention to the language that you're using. This is where working with a coach or mentor can really be beneficial for you. Because the stories that we tell ourselves become the limits that we live inside. And until we challenge them, we'll keep making decisions that are about familiarity, safety, but ultimately they keep us stuck. So if something in this conversation has hit a nerve, good, let it. Notice the patterns.
Name the story and ask yourself, is this really me or is this just a version of me that I've learned to protect? I want to give a special thanks to my guest this week, Sarah Gilbert, for bringing so much insight, clarity and generosity to this conversation. If you've enjoyed this episode, please support the show by sharing it and by clicking follow or subscribe, depending on what platform you're on. As always,
Keep naming the story, keep rewriting the script, and keep playing the Ownership Game. I will see you next week.