Episode. The Truth Behind the ‘Perfect Life’: How One Man’s Lies Led to His Truth - Derek Newborn
Transcript
Derek Newborn - 00:00.366
On the outside, my life was perfect, successful fitness business, successful fitness model, successful long time relationship. And at that point I was living out my dream on the outside, or at least I thought I was, but what was going on inside of me was the exact opposite. So the height of my overall success was also the low point for me emotionally and mentally.
And at that point, I didn't really understand why I was feeling that way. And being that everything looked perfect on paper, I wouldn't reach out to anybody and let them know I was struggling, number one, because men don't do that. Number two, they'd be like, what do you got to complain about and all this stuff. So as that journey of success went on, the worse I felt about myself and the worse I felt about myself, the more self-sabotage I created.
Theme Music - 01:01.838
The ownership game with Gary Montalvo. What would it take to get into the driver's seat of your life and leave your mark? The ownership game starts now.
Gary Montalvo
Have you ever felt like you're living a double life? Smiling for the world on the outside while everything inside of you is falling apart. For some of us, these masks that we wear don't just hide our pain, they amplify it, leading to choices that not only hurt ourselves but the people that we care most. My guest today, Derek Newborn, knows this all too well.
As a successful fitness model and entrepreneur, Derek's life looked quite literally picture perfect to the outside world. But beneath the surface, he was battling a slew of unresolved childhood trauma which led to destructive behavior and a sense of emptiness that no matter how hard he tried, he just could not outrun. The weight of all the pretending led him down a path of lying, cheating, and pushing away and hurting the very people who loved him most raw conversation about mass consequences and the courage that it takes to tell the truth and begin again.
So Derek, I'm really excited to have you on the show today. I think you have a lot to share about, well, your life. You've been through a lot. we're going to get into that. But I'm really interested in the idea of how sometimes we look at someone and we think they're having the most amazing life ever. We look on paper and
Gary Montalvo - 02:50.19
They're like all the check marks are hitting off, right? They're successful. They're doing things, you know? Especially with social media, like it looks like that a lot, right? Like we're just like, this person is killing it. But in the background, that's not what's happening. So why don't you tell, why don't you start by just, you know, let's get into your story and what, you know, some of the things that you've been going through.
Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 03:19.404
or winter, I should say.
Okay, let's get to the, the pinnacle of the story is essentially like you were kind of touching on, on the outside of my life was perfect, successful fitness business, successful fitness model, successful long time relationship. And, at that, at that point I was living out my dream on the outside, at least I thought I was, but
What was going on inside of me was the exact opposite. So the height of my overall success was also the low point for me emotionally and mentally. and at that point I could, I didn't really understand why I was feeling that way. and being that everything looked perfect on paper, I wouldn't reach out to anybody and let them know I was struggling. Number one, cause men don't do that. Number two,
they'd be like, what do you got to complain about and all this stuff. So as that journey of success went on, the worse I felt about myself and the worst I felt about myself, the more self-sabotage I created. So self-sabotage with lying, cheating, just self-destructive behaviors. And then the more I did those self-destructive, self-sabotage behaviors,
they weren't making me feel any better. So I couldn't figure out why that was like my go-to if I'm not getting a positive result from that. And so the more I leaned into like, we'll call it my fake life because it wasn't really how I was operating. The more disconnected I got and I had like this essential trauma pattern of
Derek Newborn - 05:12.202
Abandonment that had been shown up in my life previous to all this success But I was kind of unaware of it. So while I'm getting all this success and all this attention I'm still I'm still ignoring this abandonment wound that I wound that I had and so the more attention I get them and all and the success I get I Subconsciously make it my main goal to never experience that abandonment again
Yeah, I start, like I said, so I start lying and cheating because deep rooted, feel like everybody's going to abandon me based off what I experienced in the past. So, right.
Let's break all this down. You kind of gave us the overview, but I want to really paint the picture for people, right? So first, what does success look like for you at that moment? We said you're being really successful at the of your game. So what exactly are you doing? What's happening in that area?
So the top of the success was just being a full-time fitness model, well-off financially, obviously great body, great life, all of that stuff where, you know, especially like we talked about with social media, people are like, my God. And obviously you get a lot of attention from all that. like you're getting fed all this inauthentic attention, which is kind of fueling the self-sabotage.
Yeah. Okay. Got it. So in the surface, your fitness model, glamour, all about that, that likes on Facebook and Instagram, all that stuff. Sure. Women throwing themselves all over you. You know, all that kind of stuff. So, so, okay. So when you talk about sabotaging and all that life, all that. All that. All that. Yeah.
Gary Montalvo - 07:02.506
the lying, you know, let's get specific about what that looked like for you. What were the things you were lying about? How did you start sabotaging yourself? Like, kind of want to, I think it's important to get a little specifics because people are to try to identify in your story and you're going to mirror for them. So I think it's like, how did that start showing up for you?
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 07:29.794
Yeah. So start showing up with essentially lying and cheating because just, so I had worked really hard to build a successful fitness business. And then I accomplished that from that success of the fitness business. I created a successful modeling career. I also worked really hard to create a successful relationship with that, with that woman. So I had all these three things that I worked so hard for.
And then I was beginning to essentially destroy all those three aspects. And it was just the lack of trust in myself and people around me.
So when you say lying and cheating, you're talking about with your partner. You started lying and cheating there. That's the first place that it started. So you start lying and cheating there. then was there a place where the...
negative you know when you started to is that what prompted you starting to feel bad about yourself or were you already feeling bad about yourself and then
So I was already, I was already feeling bad about myself before any of that success. Right. lot of people think, once you get that success, you'll probably start feeling better, but it actually, magnified the way I was feeling about, about myself. They kind of added fuel to the fire.
Gary Montalvo - 08:56.278
Yeah.
What do you think that was?
Just because I had unhealed childhood trauma, it was all based around abandonment from the age of seven all the way up to my early twenties. So my greatest fear was to obviously experience abandonment again. So with my relationship, it didn't matter how great she was. I automatically assumed that she was going to leave me at some point, so I better have a little side piece on the side.
I'll be, I'll be damned if I get abandoned again. And that's, and then again, you add the attention from modeling and all the success and it's like, it's like a perfect storm.
And what happened between the age of seven to 10, said? think you wondered what was going on.
Derek Newborn - 09:50.446
All the way up to my 20s. When I was about seven, my dad got sent off to prison. And then obviously I put my mom in a rough spot. her and I going on the journey, but that first point, my dad going to prison was kind of like me believing that it doesn't matter what you do, the people in your life will disappear. And then my mom being a single mom, there was abandonment with
With that, all the way up to in my early 20s, when I got divorced and came home and everything was taken. And so there's just like numerous patterns of like, doesn't matter if you're a good person, great person, terrible person, people will leave you. And so that was like a wound I addressed.
Yeah.
You got divorced at 20?
Mm-hmm. Like 23 or something.
Gary Montalvo - 10:41.87
23 okay okay okay something like that early well i mean still when did you get married
Yeah, I think I might've got.
You over all that part.
I didn't know how much detail you wanted me to...
Are we going in Derek? We need all the details. Okay, don't make the interview work feel hard here
Derek Newborn - 11:03.726
Okay. All right. All right. Now that I got I got to understand. All right. So after my dad gets sent to jail, single mom stuff, right? And she's number one, she has to do what she can. So that meant like me being dropped off at school at like 4 a.m. in the morning, sleeping by the gate till the maintenance man comes. And then like, you know, nobody wants to be friends with the kid that sleeps outside. Right. So like, and then I had a child when I was
when I was 16 in high school, my son. And as he was growing up, even though I had like pictures of him on my binder, was in every aspect of his life. Like his mom would make up stories in high school and say things and then, so nobody wants to be friends with the deadbeat dad and all that stuff, even though I'm like, I'm fully engaged. like, it just kept showing me that like, it really doesn't matter.
This is my thought. really doesn't matter what you do. Like the people that you care about the most, they're going to leave at some point. going back to that divorce part, when I came home and everything was gone, subconsciously, that was like my final straw where I was like, I'm never going to experience abandonment ever again. I'm only looking out for me. Right. And then that's why, so then I bring that, that whole package into successful relationships.
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 12:29.038
businesses and all that. And at that time I wasn't aware that I had all that.
Yeah, what took you from being at a place where you had your, had you already started your fitness journey and your fitness career at that point?
No, not till like right around my divorce.
Yeah, because it's interesting that you, I know that in the background you're suffering and you're not having a great time, but it is interesting that you went from this place of like, there's a sort of rock bottom in that, right? Like you come home, all your stuff is gone and more evidence that you can't count on people, but yet you went on to have success. I guess like what drove that for you? as well.
Derek Newborn - 13:22.958
So I think it's the, like I said, that final straw where I was like, just looking out for me and nobody else. That's what drove me to that level of success because that's all I cared about was essentially me looking out for myself. Don't have to lean on anybody because they're going to leave. it's all on me. Right. So, and that's what got me to that level of success. Right. And so I wasn't even worried about my
Yeah. my feelings are healing anything, I was just worried about not being abandoned ever again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you're pointing to something really important because I actually think a lot of people's success is driven by resisting something.
Yeah, avoiding something.
Gary Montalvo - 14:11.182
Avoiding running away, trying to resist some experience that happened or some of resist being out of control, resist not being vulnerable again, you know. And so it can be a really powerful driver in many ways. And it does get you to a place where you can accomplish a lot of success. But.
it's not sustainable because when you get there, you're still feeling empty and there is no there's no there's no place you can reach where you're done. You know, you're always trying to.
Yeah. And that once you, once you're on that path, there's no end to it. Yeah. Because you're not focused on the healing. You're just focused on avoiding everything. you're constantly running. it doesn't, it doesn't matter. And I realized that at like really early on in my journey, like once you get your first modeling contract or your first photo shoot, you're never going to be satisfied ever again. always want to like,
top the next one, lean into the next one, get more notoriety, right? More likes, more book covers, whatever, whatever, whatever, right? Because you're just on the run, essentially.
Yeah, I feel like there is a place where careers that have to do with essentially other people giving you their sample approval, you know, like careers that have a lot of external validation, like modeling artists, I think as well, you know, actors.
Derek Newborn - 15:44.046
valid.
Gary Montalvo - 15:55.79
singers, you know, they can very easily fall into those patterns. But I think it's true for any type of, you know, validation. was, you know, I was having a conversation with a colleague a few weeks ago about how a recent contract that I had signed, you know, I was so focused about like I had signed, I had just signed like a $10,000 contract and
But what I was talking about was like how I had not met my goals for the month, right? How I was like, how are we gonna increase sales? And she was kind of like, do you know there was a moment in your entrepreneurial career where you would have been celebrating the heck out of that? And I was like, my God, you were right. There was a moment in my life where that would have been like, wow, and here I am.
So it's very easy, I think, to fall for that trap where you're just never, where you're always chasing the next thing, right? Where you're always chasing the next thing and it's not enough versus taking these moments to celebrate.
It's the same. Because I can still to this day remember laying in bed and this was like before Facebook. It was like Tumblr or something, some type of social media. And I was looking through it and I was like, man, that would just be awesome to be like, just get paid for being in shape. like, same thing. like you get to that point, you're like, ah, this is not. Yeah. This is not what I thought it was. Yeah.
Okay, so you are successful, you start being a jerk to your wife, and you're lying and cheating. This goes on for a while, I presume.
Derek Newborn - 17:50.353
five years. Yeah.
for five years you're okay. Now is she aware that you're doing this or?
She becomes she becomes aware that I'm not the same person and you know Because of her own trauma she was always trying to find a way to make it work or like not make excuses but like try to be understanding and then but all that did was essentially Subconsciously tell me that I had a past to keep doing the same behavior. There's no account no accountability. All right, there's no repercussions for my
So then I'm not gonna stop.
listening out there ladies you that you heard it from him it gives you a path to keep doing it
Gary Montalvo - 18:39.032
So it's funny, but it's not funny. No, no, I know. And we should, you know, to jump a little bit ahead in the story, we should say that this is now what you've made a career out of, like, basically working with women to support them through not, know. Yeah, the same stuff. So this went on for about five years. What?
No, I'm not laughing at that, but there's a message in there for you later.
Derek Newborn - 18:59.105
avoid
Gary Montalvo - 19:07.646
Like what happened? How did you, was it like a rock bottom or how did you?
Yeah, so, you know, there's only so much people can put up with of that behavior before they choose to walk away. so aside from the lying and cheating, I just became very narcissistic and very self-absorbed. like, whether it was my family or friends or clients, it was always, what can I get? And I could care less about their feelings and thoughts and emotions and all that stuff. So very self-centered. So.
You know, people will only stand for so much of that before they have to leave, right? And so what I didn't realize is I was essentially creating, manifesting my greatest fear. So all that work I was doing to never feel abandoned again, essentially created massive abandonment where everybody chose to walk away, right? And so everybody walks away very...
public breakup, lots of drama, all that stuff, all my stuff gets exposed and all that. And remember, I was already feeling terrible about myself, even with the success. So all that comes about and really just piles on even more negative thoughts, beliefs about myself and all that. And essentially that led to a suicide attempt where I tried to get out of here.
and then from, from there, that was kind of like the, the rock bottom. was just like, I was really in disbelief and very upset that I had chosen that path and very upset, of how much pain I'd created, very upset about the drama. But to be honest, at that point of the suicide and depression, I was still blaming other people.
Derek Newborn - 21:11.022
for me being in that situation. How could they do this? Look at, why would they do this? All this stuff, right? And it was at the very rock bottom where I was like, wait a minute, the common denominator in all this is me, right? So yeah, people did things, but in all this, my family, friends, all my success, all my pain, the kind of...
The one reoccurring pattern is me and my actions and behavior. So then that must mean I'm in full control of my life. If I've been the common denominator in all of that.
You got there by yourself. Just through reflection.
Yeah.
Well, mean, suicide attempt kind of like.
Derek Newborn - 22:06.648
kind of like opens up your eyes and like what's going on, right? And so like, once I realized...
Not always Derek, that's the thing because well, yeah, some people keep trying it, you know, some people keep staying there so Whenever I hear people sharing stories where they had that moment where it's like I'm always really interested in that because I know plenty of people that don't have that moment or that that moment keeps hitting them in the face and they don't answer the call
Yeah, yeah, because so the attempt was the rock bottom as far as like my self-worth, but it wasn't the rock bottom that created my change. But it was the rock bottom in the sense of me being aware of how much control I did have over my life and all that. So then that's how I kind of started going back through time, through all those abandonment events that we discussed earlier and realized that
Dude, you have this abandonment, childhood trauma wound that you've never addressed. This is why, it didn't make excuses, but it helped me understand why I was doing all this self-sabotage, self-destructive behaviors. So now I at least have some kind of idea of rhyme and reason for my-
Are you working with a therapist at that time or something? Because like, I don't think the reason I'm digging into this is because that language feels like post therapy language. Like, I don't know if people wake up and go, I have an abandonment wound.
Speaker 1 (23:46.83)
It wasn't like an overnight thing. wasn't like overnight thing. But I mean, was definitely a lot of like dark soul searching that I had to do. like, mean, probably now because of my work, I use those phrases, childhood trauma and all that stuff.
But back then I probably didn't have that type of language, but I knew it was those experiences. Does that make sense? So one little tidbit is so like whatever the catalyst is for our rock bottom. So like mine was everybody left me and the world's ending. Right. So it's essentially abandonment. was what led me to the suicide attempt.
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 24:43.35
It's because abandonment was the wound that I was supposed to address was what I was running from the whole time. whatever our rock bottom is and whatever we think that big causes tells you exactly what wounds you've been avoiding. And so hopefully that helps somebody so they don't have to go like, my God, I can't figure this stuff out. Whatever that big moment is that puts you on a downward spiral. That's exactly what has been ignored.
Yeah, and it really sounds like for you, the turning point was, I don't know if this was the first time, it definitely was a moment of you reflecting and looking inside and taking responsibility for what had happened up until that point. Was that the first time that you feel like you you had done that or you know, you know what It's certainly the first time you're pointing to it in the story.
Yeah, that's the first time I actually took responsibility. And I don't want to say it felt good. Good is not the right word. But owning that responsibility allowed me some air to breathe. Like, okay, now that this is mine, what do I do with it? Whereas before, I was defined by my actions and behavior and nothing I could do about it.
So that was the first point of like assuming responsibility. But now that I had responsibility, there were still like that was literally just the beginning because it was only a few months later after that attempt that I got admitted to a mental hospital for trying to deal with all these things. Because even though I took responsibility,
Gary Montalvo - 26:19.714
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 26:42.442
I still assume that those things defined me. So all it took was like somebody to bring up my past or somebody to call me a liar, cheater, narcissist or whatever. And it was back on the downward downward spiral, trying to check out and avoid things. So it was the mental hospital that really changed my direction. Okay. And got me, got me focused because that was the first time and I just didn't realize that.
When you're in that mental hospital or any other institution, you don't get to decide what to eat, when to eat, whether you want to watch TV, what time to go to bed, whether you want to go outside, whether you want to go for a walk. You get everything taken away except a crayon, thoroughly crayon and puzzles. And so when I was in there, I realized how much actual, again, control that I have over my life and how much freedom I have to
create whatever life I'm looking for. Right. And so then I started to look back and like, dude, you created this fitness company, you created a successful relationship. And just because you didn't have the skill or insight to maintain it, you still had the ability to create them. So now think about all this insight you have now and you still have that power to create. Like, dude, you can do
whatever you want, whatever experience, you've already proven that you can do that. And now you're just stronger and more capable. So then that became my focus, taking extreme ownership of everything and leaning into the abilities and the process that I've already used in my life.
Yeah, this is why I called this podcast the ownership game. ownership is really the first step. And you're pointing to something really important. It's not that ownership allows you to like disappear the problem. Ownership allows you to, it's like the way that I describe it is ownership allows you to put handles on it.
Derek Newborn - 28:53.262
That's right.
And when you put handles on it, well, now you can move it around. You can look at it, lift it up. You can explore it. can shuffle it. it's like until you take ownership, can't handle it. It's just like not accessible to you.
Yeah, I like the
Derek Newborn - 29:12.482
Yeah, like that. Handles.
Yeah, okay. So you take responsibility and then sounds like through the insights that you were getting when you were in the hospital, you started to have tools and shift some of the context for what's next.
Yeah.
Yeah, so then, yeah, so then, align myself with a, spiritual mentor, with somebody who, because right after I tried like traditional therapy and some other things, and they didn't work well for me because it just seemed like we were just reliving the past. So I aligned myself with somebody that was only interested in
moving forward. Didn't need to remind me of anything, but helped me use everything about my past to build my future. So instead of even like pretending the past didn't happen or making excuses, everything that I went through actions, behaviors, are all attached to my gifts and purpose in some way, shape or form. That everything I went through
Derek Newborn - 30:29.09
and all that was for a greater good. And that's the journey that I've been on, which led to a business and all that stuff and being on this podcast, podcast today.
So tell me a little bit about the work that you're doing through your business and what that has been like for you.
Yeah, so have an online coaching business. We have a couple of different tiers. The flagship program is essentially helping women raise their metabolism, remove limiting beliefs, reclaim their prime because most women they think like after a certain age their best years are behind them. But attached to that is essentially my transformation program where I help women avoid
He'll overcome essentially what I put my ex through, helping them avoid patterns, avoid relationships, avoid interactions with essentially the man I used to be. Right? So they're able to get firsthand knowledge, insight on all that instead of them trying to figure out what's wrong with them. I can actually explain to them that actually has nothing to do with them.
that it's coming from somewhere else. And then so through that, they're able to rediscover themselves, break their own self-sabotage patterns, right? Because just like we talked about, like when my ex would keep allowing me or keep trying to find ways to make it work or make excuses, that's just reinforcing my behavior, right? And that's just creating more drama. So then now she has her own pain and drama and has to go on her own healing journey. Whereas if the first time
Derek Newborn - 32:20.046
She was like, nah, you got to go. Right? And she would have went on about her life and never had that experience. And then who knows, maybe I'd be like, I better get my stuff together. Right? But I didn't have a reason to change. So it's insights and stuff like that that I don't feel like most women have access to that we help women achieve. And then the same token, I help a handful of men each year.
that are kind of in the same position of success on the outside, self-sabotage on the inside and help them break the patterns using the same process I went through. So essentially using all my pain and downfalls as my...
And you get them divorced and institution alive.
No, no, we avoid the divorce, avoid the institutional, mental institution.
I'm going to take you exactly through my process.
Derek Newborn - 33:17.934
You're gonna love it. It's gonna end in divorce.
It'll be great. You're going to end up with nothing but a crayon.
I hope you like crayons and puzzles because it's part of process. Trust me. Okay. The healing process, I should say.
I think it's really fascinating that you work primarily with women and that you are essentially guiding women through avoiding who you were. so number one, that's fascinating to me because primarily you see guys in your position
work with the guys and you primarily see women guiding women through that. Like it would be more common for your ex-wife to now be saying, here's how to avoid my ex-husband. And so I'm curious as to, I want to talk a little bit about this because number one, I think it's fascinating, for many levels and
Gary Montalvo - 34:27.054
And for you, did you choose to primarily, I mean, you obviously stated that you work with some men, but the, the, the majority of your practice is really focused on working with women. Why was that the focus for you and how are women, how do, how do women respond as well? I'm curious because I think that in some ways you might be triggering for them.
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 34:45.442
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 34:50.03
So the biggest catalyst why I work with women is because of my mother. So essentially created a program, a support system that she needed the most when she was going through her divorce and trying to navigate single motherhood and keep everything on her plate. And she felt like, you know, she was worthless, had no value, failed relationships, losing her self-confidence, losing her body image.
and all that because she had so much on her plate. Like you can't ask her to stop what she's doing and transform, right? So that's the main catalyst. And that's who I have in mind when I, when I built this program, when I created the support system is exactly what my mom needed when she, when she didn't get it. So that's, that's the essential catalyst. And then just naturally through my story of self-sabotage and all that, and because of my healing,
have such a high level of transparency and honesty about every aspect of my life. That's usually what draws the most women towards the program is because they've never experienced that level of transparency, especially from a male perspective. Right? So it's very easy, like you said, for men to work with men, women to work with women, but
For women to work with like myself, that's the only way you'll get the exact insight straight from like the horse's mouth. Like I don't have any, because like we said, I've put handles on every aspect of my journey. So there's nothing I have to hide or avoid. I'm just simply here to give you all the insight and knowledge that I have because I've been able to do the healing and because I'm able to be so transparent.
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 36:45.504
I think a lot people don't realize they missed that when they're on their healing journey until they start to see it or read it. It becomes very intriguing. then once they realize like, once because we focus on extreme ownership, no matter what the situation is. Whereas like, you sometimes when it's men and men, can say, she did this to me or women like, he's a piece of crap. He did this to me. Where we focus on.
assuming responsibility for where we're at so then we can dictate our life and it kind of speeds up the healing journey because we're focused on ourselves we're not focused on what that person did right or wrong we're focused on where we're at and where we need to go.
Yeah, but I almost, know, what's sort of getting married for me is that it's got to be kind of healing for the both of you because for them, it has to be healing to see a man taking responsibility and sharing vulnerably. That's got to heal something for them in the experience they had. And for you,
it's gotta, I would imagine it heals something for you and being able to sort of contribute to women in the way that you didn't contribute to your previous partners, right? And being able to almost heal.
It allows me to essentially use my gifts and my purpose. So by having ownership in my journey, I'm able to use it to help people. So then it's going to be really hard for me to like live in the past or beat myself up when I'm using it to help others. Right? Because if I didn't go through all that, I wouldn't be in this exact position. Right? If I didn't make all those mistakes, I wouldn't have that.
Derek Newborn - 38:44.842
insight. And so for me to be able to share that insight is very like probably therapeutic or like fulfilling, you know.
Yeah, no, it was really it stood out for me immediately and I was like, that's so fascinating and interesting and and it makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
Okay, good, good.
No, it does because I think that something that can happen when you've been through an experience like that is that you start to develop these like, you know, for women, I see a pattern a lot of like, well, now you can't trust men, right? And there's like a other ring that starts to happen.
Gary Montalvo - 39:36.906
And I think it would be very healing for them to start to see a man who's integrating, right?
That's what I was talking about earlier. You start to pick up like an umbrella belief system. Like a typical belief system. I can see it just based on what men or women, but when women make posts about men or whatever, I can tell exactly where they're at on their journey and whether they've got to that point of extreme ownership yet or they're out there deflecting.
So yeah, that's why I was saying, think once like, so transparent on social media and stuff, think that's what intrigues most women for the most part is it's a new window to look through.
How is the work that you do with the man different? you know, what's the other side of it?
So with women, it's focusing on reshaping what they have going on right now. So maybe they're like.
Derek Newborn - 40:50.378
avoiding men completely emotionally shut off all those things based off what they just went through. Whereas men almost every single time it's what they're experiencing now is based off childhood. So with men, very in a very short time we'll figure out what happened in childhood that is creating the results now.
.
Derek Newborn - 41:16.61
whereas the women are like in the middle of their experience that they want to change. So once we reframe that, then we can go in reverse and see how you got to this experience. Does that make sense?
Yeah, I mean, what I'm hearing is almost like men are acting out. find that most men are acting out some pattern from their childhood that they're blind to. Yeah. With women, they're acting out a response to a more recent situation.
Yeah, so like so essentially working with guys I would be working with them at the height of my modeling career where they got this great life But inside is going really bad and I'm trying to help them understand whereas like the women would usually come to me After they just after my ex just broke up me and realized I was cheating on her for seven years Does that make sense?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you are... I mean, I'm imagining if they're coming to you, they are open, right? To the process of digging inside. I generally find women more willing to go there than men, or at least...
It's not even the willing, it's easier for them to understand what's being asked of them when we have to go in there. I think with guys, sometimes when you're working with men, you have to kind of teach them more of the tools or teach them more of the language or teach them permission. So it's not that they're like...
Derek Newborn - 42:58.456
Yeah, get more understanding.
Gary Montalvo - 43:03.256
completely close off is that they literally just don't even know like what you're talking about. Like you have to kind of give them a roadmap to get there.
Yeah, yeah, give them a bigger picture
Yeah. Fascinating. So, you know, I think to wrap up, like, what are your, if you're seeing, you know, what advice do you have for people that you see out there that are stuck in their patterns, right? Like they kind of, that they're stuck in the sabotaging patterns and
and they find themselves stuck in these situations and it sounds like there's an awareness, right? Like I can see that I'm doing this but I can't stop myself from doing it. What advice, tips do you have for them to take the first couple of steps?
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 44:01.27
Yeah, so a few things and like I touched on earlier, so whatever that self-sabotage is. So right, like if it's cheating, it's tied to abandonment issues, lack of trust issues, right? If it's constantly being cheated on, it's probably attached to like some self-worth issues.
Right. so the person cheating or the
No, so if you're the one that constantly allows like cheating or like every relationship you get cheated on or whatever, choose the attached like a self-worth thing. But either way, so whatever that self-sabotage is, is essentially literally highlighting the trauma that needs to be addressed. And it's highlighting what you've been avoiding this whole time, which is why the reoccurring things keep happening. Second tip is reach out.
Okay, go.
Derek Newborn - 44:51.32
to somebody sooner than later. Because like I said, I went the therapist route, I've literally gone on couples retreats by myself. Like I tried everything, not everything worked, but the only way you get one step closer is reaching out. So even if you reach out and it doesn't work with a therapist, you're still one step closer to getting clarity and solution. Because now you know, okay, that doesn't work. So let me move on to the next thing.
Yeah.
Like continue to lean in.
I think that's a really important point for people to remember. I always talk about finding a therapist like dating. Just because you go on a date with somebody doesn't mean you want to fully commit to them. Just because somebody has some type of credentials and availability on your calendar does not mean they're the right therapist for you. So don't feel bad talking to different people. Different therapists have different...
Right.
Gary Montalvo - 45:49.248
approaches, different different life experiences that you should really go around and try to find somebody that that you connect with and that you feel can seize you. Right. Yeah, it's really, really important. And the other point is that there is like a ton of different modalities.
There's so many, like for you to get it right the first time is probably not going to be like.
Yeah, and it's likely not going to be one. I mean, I've dabbled in so many different things, you know, and there's spirituality, there's coaching, there's therapy, there's retreats, there's workshops, there's all kinds of somatic.
That's what I said. Reach out somewhere and start and just get the ball rolling. And like I said, cause either way, no matter what the outcome is, you're still one step closer. Whereas if you don't reach out, you're not anywhere closer. You're stagnant. so that would be the second thing. And then the third thing is always remember that each day when you wake up,
Yeah.
Derek Newborn - 47:02.828
You have the chance to make a choice, to make a change every single day, no matter what happened yesterday, no matter what you did, no matter what that person did. The moment you wake up, you have the chance to make a choice, to make a change.
Yeah, every day is a new opportunity. I love that. Yeah, because we do fall into these patterns where the experience when we're having, when we're going through something, it feels like this is it. Like this is it for the rest of my life, this moment. And it really is nice, just a moment in time. And tomorrow will be another moment in time. Beautiful.
Yeah.
This is how I am.
Derek Newborn - 47:46.286
Yeah.
Well, Derek, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your story. I think the way that you are redeeming yourself and, you know, the way that you are, you know, completing your karma, it's beautiful.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
I love that you are helping women heal in this way, as a way to complete, I'm calling it completing your karma, but.
We'll go with that. I appreciate it. I appreciate you having me on.
Gary Montalvo - 48:27.05
Absolutely. Well, we'll put all your contact information in the show notes if people want to get in touch with you and get to know more about the work that you're doing. But I appreciate you stopping by.
Yeah, man. Thank you again for having me.
It may feel easier at times to just wear the mask. To just push it all aside and pretend that everything is fine. But as we learn from Derek's story, that comes at a steep price. As an old mentor used to tell me, pay your prices upfront or pay them later with interest.
Derek's story is a powerful reminder that healing isn't about erasing the past, it's about rewriting your future. And that transformation can only happen when you stop running and start facing yourself. All the trauma, the mistakes, the impact that you've had on others, all of it. It's also important to remember that healing doesn't happen overnight. Nothing worthwhile ever does.
And just like anything worthwhile, it starts with one brave step towards the truth. The process is a journey. And sometimes we don't know where that journey is going to lead us. For example, it would have been impossible for Derek to see, to imagine how his pain would become an opportunity to serve others and create a life of meaning. The thing that once held him back is the thing that now gives him a foundation.
Gary Montalvo - 49:59.48
to be of service to other people. Pain, when faced and understood, has a way of revealing our purpose. It gives us insight, empathy, and a deep well of strength we can use to make a difference in the lives of others, if we choose. Your pain doesn't have to be the end of the story. It can be the start of a powerful transformation. Not just for you but for the people that you'll inspire and uplift along the way. That is our show for this week. If this episode spoke to you, please don't forget to hit follow or subscribe so that you can stay up to date with the ownership game. And as always, share the episode with someone who you think needs to hear Derek's story. Until next time, friends, keep owning your truth, keep showing up with courage and keep playing the ownership game.